It’s insatiable for people like me -
The never-ending drive to make. everything. perfect.
We can literally drive ourselves into micro-insanities throughout a typical day. Every movement, every pillow, every dish; it all has to be done exactly the way it needs to be done.
But, who in the absolute HECK do I think I am that anything I could ever do would touch perfection? Because while I’m rearranging that stack of books for the fiftieth time to make it look “just right”, I’m completely forgetting about what exactly I’m reaching out for. Is it a mad reach for some sort of tangible peace attained by a weird control-trip; or,
Am I reaching to touch the hem of His garment?
This thought frustrated me.
My perspectives, my motives, they have been so off for a long, long time.
How could I forget?
This was my life’s cry for years- just to touch His garment, and yet my own agendas of production have slowly suffocated worthy passion out of my soul.
I’d overlooked my goal, my pursuit, as if it didn’t matter quite so much anymore.
How could I forget?
Just a single thread adorned on the frame of YHWH is a physical extension of an explosion of perfect, brilliant love.
Something I routinely neglect in my thinking is that this love of His isn’t an optional engagement or an emotion enticed by environmental factors (that tend to sway my fragile understanding.) It is Him. How could I separate that from Jesus like the “feeling” of His love is something I could work hard enough for, like I could possibly attain it on my own apart from Him?
Whack, girl. Just straight-up whack.
A conversation with a very dear friend began to shake the core of this belief. Sometimes you can’t even give Him your “yes”, because it doesn’t even feel like you have the rights to your own choices after making so many foolish ones for so long. Sometimes all you can muster through ground-down teeth is a defeated, “…okay, God.”
Sometimes even just an okay is all He has been waiting for since He laid the foundations of eternity with a word.
He illustrated perfectly that sometimes,
all it takes is that single word.
This hit me like a Mack truck while coloring with my daughter. She handed me all the straggler brown crayons that no one tends to use; yellow and pink and red had been reduced to nubs long before this moment. As I was instructed very specifically how to color the bear and the puppy and the bunny, the thought flooded every inch of my tense, driven body:
I don’t ever want my children to use the word ‘efficient’ when asked to describe me.
I fought back tears as her beautiful blue eyes that could be mistaken for oceans stared at me intently. For the first time in a long time, I felt the tension in my bones begin to melt out onto the floor I was told to lay on.
In that moment I realized that production became my focus instead of a byproduct. I knew right then that my heart’s intent had been crippled beneath years of carefully-developed fear, pride and self-hatred.
Okay, Lord - where do I go from here?
“Come on, my soul. Don’t you get shy on me! Lift up your song, ‘cause you’ve got a Lion inside of those lungs! Get up and praise the Lord!”
At first the bridge of this song stung to repeat. It can be devastatingly difficult to sing to your own crippled soul: devastating to the darkness that is trying to destroy it.
Repeat it again, and again, and again.
You’ve got a Lion inside of those lungs!
As I found myself in a place of repentance, the Lord reminded me of a place we would go together -
Behind my dorm in college, there was a large foothill that took some serious effort to climb. The entire side of this large hill was covered in wild parsnip - a messy, brilliantly yellow weed. I would sit on top of this hill at the tree line and He would take me to a place only we knew about. It was as if He was truly laying before me in the brush, rolling on His back as the Lion (rather, a big silly cat!) enjoying the sun and the beauty of all that was around us.
It brought me true delight to sit on that hillside, but It is so easy to forget about that place as my soul gets weary. Striving likes to snuff out anything that could possibly feed you (and takes everything you have to offer, and then some.)
It’s time to go back.
These past two years have truly been a test of endurance and of our individual abilities to stay sane in the midst of a burning world.
It’s time to go back to that place we last remembered we were in utter delight. Being truly rested and full of joy almost seems like a sin these days in our culture, but I’m convinced that’s why we’ve become so useless as a whole. Producing and striving and plowing has become such a focus that genuine happiness and fulfillment has been reduced to moments of “self-care” and indulgences. True “efficiency” doesn’t look like any of these things, but rather understanding that our lot in life is to love and be loved by Him.
It’s as simple as that.
I've been afraid to start back at this.
As silly as it may seem to label this as “Emily being vulnerable”, this blog has cost me my comfort and the little idea I have of being hidden as a stay-at-home-mom.
In return, vulnerability has seemingly been an enemy to me the majority of 2021.
Once you lay a deep piece of you bare before others to see (“others” could mean 5 to 5,000 people), that openness can cost you.
The purpose of this website in which I spew my thoughts and revelations is that maybe even just one heart could be drawn closer to Holy Spirit’s true nature.
Now, don’t forget (because heaven knows that I won’t),
I’m still desperately seeking out what the true nature of God looks like.
We have endless books and diaries, theologies and even the scriptures that speak of tiny glimpses of who He is and how He relates and communicates to man. I have searched, read, and studied some of these resources for years to find out even just a hint about the depths of this Man. I’m certain that even a face-to-face encounter wouldn’t be enough to know the expanse of His goodness. The deeper I go, the more I see the depths of my own depravity and how desperately I need even more of Him.
Now, back to the vulnerability thing…
The antagonist of all creation loathes when man is willing
to lay bare before the God of the universe. The whole of him aims to destroy
anything that leads to Life (see John 14:6).
This blog was my step outside of myself to search deeper than I ever had before.
It was a simple idea that the Lord put in my heart as one way that this stay-at-home-mom could outwardly follow His directives. This basis comes from Matthew 5:14-16 where Jesus tells us to be a visible beacon of glorious light, never hidden from the world. The challenge, however, lay within one’s own understanding of what it actually means to willingly become uncovered and remain unhidden.
Shortly after launching this website, things began to shift for me.
Deep places in me where bitterness and anger festered began to bubble up. For some reason, my response this time wasn’t to yield my weakness before him (as had become my reflex) but rather to become complacent and numb in the nasty place called self-preservation. Soon, another agonizing trip to the hospital via ambulance lead me to sink deeper and deeper into that wretched place that’s more dangerous than outright rebellion.
Unanswered questions beckoned me to harden my heart away from His whispers.
He was longing to reveal a new, more intimate side of Himself to me,
but I refused - that’s not how I wanted to hear Him.
After months of complacent spiritual existence, I realized it was time to have a tearful conversation with the Lord. The greatest indicator of this was that basic prompting for prayer and connection often left me squeamish (even repulsed) by this point in my numbness. I couldn’t even get excited about the little boy I have been growing in my belly.
It’s as if there is no life in me!
Backtrack to October 18th, 2020.
Christopher sat in a dimly lit waiting room in the middle of the night, unsure of what would become of his wife and whom we had thought was our son in my belly. After losing consciousness from a ruptured pregnancy and intense internal bleeding, fear was doing everything it could to suffocate his hope.
Through tears, all he could say was, “God, all I know is that You are good.”
This statement became the anthem for a very rough year to follow.
After each twist and turn, followed by more internal bleeding and surgeries for me in April, this statement remained shaky,
God, I know You’re good.
I don’t understand any of this,
But You are still good.
Months passed and my "why’s" became consuming. I still could not for the life of me understand why I didn’t hear, see, feel or sense His peace or presence back in April. That was completely uncharacteristically distant of Him in our relationship thus far when I was in the midst of intense struggle. It truly became a “dark night of the soul.”
Getting down to the wire to deliver our son,
my conversations with the Lord turned into something like,
“If I don’t get SOME type of answer soon, Lord, I don’t think I can go through with this delivery!”
I suppose that I was unusually persuasive that September Sunday.
The Lord reminded me of a teaching from John Bevere that Christopher had shown me months ago. A short video displayed the infallible relationship between a father and his daughter. Their relationship was so beautiful that it effortlessly drew you into their story. Soon you learn that she develops a disease that causes blindness, leaving her confused and hopeless. Her father becomes silent. She panics in her darkness, running and searching, grasping for any chance at a glimpse of the light they had previously shared. What she hadn’t known was that her desperation causes her to go further than she had ever gone before, even with her sight. Just as she's about to unknowingly leap from the edge of a cliff, her father catches her mid-air with the arms only a father could extend.
I heard the Lord whisper as He reminded me of the fear I felt that night in April in the hospital, but how I did it on my own without medication and little-to-no help from the frustrated doctors.
My dear, look at what you accomplished on your own!
Now, imagine what we can do together.
I began to weep with a restorative joy and peace that I hadn’t felt in many, many months.
All it took was a word from the Father for my entire paradigm to shift.
I found myself completely unafraid to move forward in loving this little boy in my belly with everything in me. Most of all, I was no longer afraid of tragedy following me around like the "black dog" of which Edgar Allen Poe frequently spoke (and I too frequently referenced). I know with everything in me that my Father will join me in this beautiful delivery process, but only as I remain in the place of genuine vulnerability.
The true misunderstanding was in that I believed vulnerability with the Lord and those around me implied weakness, a lack of self-respect and even failure.
But how could you possibly see the richness of any relationship if you never let them see you?
It all begins with a conversation.
(The Shulamite Bride)-
“Listen! My beloved!
Behold, he comes,
climbing on the mountains,
leaping and running on the hills!”
Song of Solomon 2:8
Shortly after the beloved Billy Graham went home to be with the Lord, the Bible museum in Washington, DC held a temporary exhibit in honor of his life’s service. Unaware of the Lord’s intentions, we wandered upon the display and eagerly ran in.
Wall after wall was covered in legacy and testimony, like words of inheritance embossed in gold. Each plaque and showcase caused my heart to tremble inside of me. The further we delved into this man’s story, the more my spirit ached.
At the end of this exhibit, Mr. Graham’s suit hung above a board with statistics numbering each pledge to Jesus that came from his ministry.
I began to weep.
This suit before me was dawned on a simple man that embodied the Great Commission.
All he had to do was say yes.
That one yes can turn into one thousand yes’s when man partners with God.
And that one yes from that one man turned into millions of yes’s across seven decades of partnering with heaven while still on earth.
The reality of the cataclysmic occurrence that takes place when even one person bows before the God of eternity – the ripples that go out through a coming timeline – my mind began to explode with possibility.
What if thousands said yes today, just like that one man?
I believe with my whole heart that we are about to see those “thousands of yes’s”.
We have heard story after story, prophesy after prophesy of the coming revival.
“It will be the greatest outpouring man has ever seen!”
“The final, great awakening is coming!”
“Get ready, get ready!”
But what if, as the church, we have spent far too much time in skepticism, waiting in the identity of a weak pauper who doesn’t know their place – and far too little time bombarding the gates of heaven with the cries of “Come, Lord Jesus, come!”
I believe we are at that moment.
I believe it is time (and yes – hearts are feeling and acknowledging this pressure!) to go to the deep, secret chambers of His presence (Song of Solomon 3:4) to pull at the strings of His heart!
For true, devastating-to-darkness revival to happen,
He needs to hear us say no to every lie, every deception that says He is too lofty and unattainable, and say yes to the manifestation of His coming glory that will be seen in you and me.
Because, my beloved, His glory is coming!
He promised it!
God is not a man, that He should lie,
nor a son of man, that He should repent.
Has He said, and will He not do?
Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?
He shall see the labor of His soul, and be satisfied.
By His knowledge My righteous Servant shall justify many,
For He shall bear their iniquities.
Thus says the Lord:
“Keep justice, and do righteousness,
for My salvation is about to come,
and My righteousness to be revealed.
25 “So I will restore to you the years
that the swarming locust has eaten, the crawling locust,
the consuming locust, and the chewing locust,
My great army which I sent among you.
26 You shall eat in plenty and be satisfied,
and praise the name of the Lord your God,
Who has dealt wondrously with you;
and My people shall never be put to shame.
27 Then you shall know that I am in the midst of Israel:
I am the Lord your God
and there is no other.
My people shall never be put to shame.
28 “And it shall come to pass afterward
that I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh;
Your sons and your daughters shall prophesy,
your old men shall dream dreams,
your young men shall see visions.
29 And also on My menservants and on My maidservants
I will pour out My Spirit in those days.
But what does that look like?
It looks like the beautiful name of Jesus echoed across the sky by confident sons and daughters, every generation living in joyous expectancy of His return!
(Yes – joy! We are supposed to be full-of-joy, not the old-church perspective of a continual state of false humility and sorrow! See Proverbs 17:22 and Romans 15:13)
He is coming to destroy all that hinders love.
He is coming to separate all that He has made us to be from every lie that suffocates His truth from being made manifest.
See, the thing is – sin isn’t behavior that we “want to do, but have to give up.”
Man’s sin-nature is the expression of being rooted in an identity that is anything other than what God calls us:
(See Isaiah 62:4!)
Sin is simply a lie that the enemy of God taught our bones to believe so he could steal away everything that the Lord predestined for us from the foundations of the earth!
“For he chose us in Christ before the foundation of the world
that we may be holy and unblemished in His sight in love.”
Sin is the shackle that binds you to orphan-hood. It’s the voice that tells you over and over again that you will never be enough, never do enough, never truly be accepted for who you are. (See Ephesians 2.)
It’s like a dog drinking windshield washer fluid – they think it tastes great but leads to destruction! It may taste good for the moment, but sin is the separating substance that keeps us from our God!
This post is not a “everyone’s a sinner and going to hell!” type of post.
It’s a Luke 21:28 “Look up for your redemption draws near!” type of post!
When the fullness of this “greatest revival of all-time” bursts through heaven’s gates,
you will find me in the midst of it. I have given my yes and my heart yearns for “His coming glory”! We may all be flawed and, at times, struggle with our past sin nature, but our focus should never be, “Ah – we are but weak sinners!” Our focus should always be on His gaze as He whispers our true identities back to our hearts!
All He needs is our yes.
7You are my hiding place;
You shall preserve me from trouble;
You shall surround me with songs of deliverance.
8 I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye.
9 Do not be like the horse or like the mule,
Which have no understanding,
Which must be harnessed with bit and bridle,
Else they will not come near you.
10 Many sorrows shall be to the wicked;
But he who trusts in the Lord, mercy shall surround him.
11 Be glad in the Lord and rejoice, you righteous;
And shout for joy, all you upright in heart!
Just when you get your head above the water,
another wave comes.
Financially, emotionally, ethically – every avenue of our lives are being challenged.
Fear is being broadcasted like the morning Reveille trumpet call; how do we even know where to go next? What will remain in the coming days?
Lately I’ve been asking the Lord a plethora of questions –
How do I even dream, God?
Where do I go from here?
What avenues do you want me to invest my resources?
What will even be left standing when this is all over?!
His voice in Psalm 32 is soft and gentle, like hands lightly sweeping away the hair from a child’s tiny face:
8 “I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will guide you with My eye."
In this verse, “eye” can be translated to “spring” or “fountain”.
Remember Psalm 36:8 from my previous post?
8 They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,
And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures
In this verse, "river" can be translated to “torrent” or “stream”.
He brings us to the river in the midst of all our questions to guide us in the direction we should go!
And sometimes, He answers the questions that should have been asked, not the endless questions we have on repeat.
I actually started this blog a week before “the storming of our American castle” (if you will), before things got this crazy. Often the Lord likes to prepare our hearts, providing a foothold, before the real storm comes.
Right now, without a shadow of doubt, I can tell you that the best thing we can all do is to shut out every voice (including our own) and wait before the “river of His pleasures”. We serve a King who will always have the last laugh, no matter what it may look like to our understanding. The world may seem like it’s falling apart around us, but His goodness and His promises never change.
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.”
So if He is unchanging, utterly unmoved by the plans of the enemy,
then why should we be?
“Therefore, my dear brothers and sisters, stand firm.
Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully
to the work of the Lord, because you know that
your labor in the Lord is not in vain.”
1 Corinthians 15:58
This week, take the time to sit quietly before the Lord-
because “the work of the Lord” isn’t always doing.
His promise to answer our every breath is set before us, just like a dowry (see Ephesians 1:14).
Sometimes He answers with extraordinary breakthrough that comes rushing in like a “torrent” or a “stream”. And yet, more often than not, His sweet whispers come gently like a “fountain” or a “spring”.
How He chooses to answer us is not dependent upon our insistent coercing with strong words or saying the most providential prayers;
This week He has shown me that sometimes His responses fully correspond with the position of our heart in that moment.
When we are in desperation, struggling and fighting to catch a breath through the chaos, sometimes His soft, sweet words sound something like -
put down the gloves, end the warring - with yourself and everyone else.
I just want all that you are to sit with all that I Am.
I promise you (from my own recent, raw experience) that the moment you strip off those old, worn, tired gloves from your aching fists, the thought of sitting at His river of delight won’t make you cringe any longer.
Soon you will see all that you are to Him, and the chaos around you will fade.
16 We know full well that we don’t receive God’s
perfect righteousness as a reward for keeping the law,
but by the faith of Jesus, the Messiah! His faithfulness, not ours,
has saved us, and we have received God’s perfect righteousness.
Now we know that God accepts no one by the keeping of religious laws!
A few weeks ago, I had another one of those I need change right now moments. Naturally, that means I go get a haircut, get my ears pierced, change my wardrobe. This change, however, didn’t come from a place of impulse as it typically would in the past. This time I needed something drastic.
I needed immediate change.
I’ve abruptly come to the end of my yes road.
Saying yes is something I am good at. I have always prided myself in being able to “handle it”. I come from a long line of doers, people that can and will make it happen. It’s what we do.
I don’t know about you, but this yes road has brought me to a place of disgust with myself: an echoing emptiness in my chest that is louder than anything on this planet.
I can officially say with lungs that feel as though they are taking their first deep breath in ages – I’ve come to the end of that road.
At some point all of those yes’s start costing you something. When you say yes to one thing, you’re ultimately saying no to something else. In my case, this meant saying no to genuine connection to my husband, wonderful little in-between giggles with my child, and quiet moments with the Lord.
I wept the moment that I realized that my addiction to busyness willingly kept me from the beautiful, restorative rest that time with Jesus brings.
Yeshua, I need You! I’m sorry for choosing other things over You!
I’ve heard so many times that the dishes or the vacuuming or the laundry can wait, but my identity has been rooted in accomplishing so long that I chose not to listen.
But hearing my husband say something along the lines of, “having the dishes pile up is worth having you whole!” broke me.
At the end of this road, I had recently found myself in a place of neglect. I wasn’t giving my body or my soul the care it needed, let alone the care my loved ones needed.
My journal entries looked something like:
Lord – I feel so unstable and empty!
My emotions are unmanageable, my mind is clouded, my spirit is suppressed and beat down. I need a revelation of the Father’s love!
Luckily, when a voice shouts in an empty room, it echoes.
“Beloved, look at all of the things we get to do together!”
His words in my heart absolutely broke me.
You mean, You want to do things with me, Lord?
This life isn’t just me doing things for You?
2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
3 He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
For His name’s sake.
And suddenly the classic Psalm 23 made sense...
When we can’t stop doing and moving and making it happen, He will make us lie down! This isn’t a forceful break-your-leg-type of thing, this is a I’m going to let her get completely sick of herself outside of Me until she gives it up-type of thing.
It took until writing this post to realize that you first have to come to the end of yourself, the end of doing the law in search of righteousness like Galatians 2 says, so that the restoration of Psalm 23:3 can happen.
Once you allow the Lord to lead you beside still waters, there is where He has permission to begin restoring the soul that you’ve emptied out before everyone and everything else. You cannot find the “path of righteousness” apart from His leading; it has to start beside the still waters.
Why Galations 2:16?
Religion tells you that you have to do, do, do, be, be, be enough by your works!
You’re never enough, so keep pushing and doing and trying harder!
I truly believe that this “religion” is the belief system that stems from not knowing who we belong to, who our Father is.
For so long I have functioned out of the place of saying yes to everyone so that I can look accomplished, like I have it all together, like I’m somebody.
But in all honesty, the fear of being disliked and rejected – the fear of disappointing anyone, at all - was the true driving force in my heart to never saying no.
If I make sure everyone is pleased with me, then I will feel loved and accepted!
18 Love never brings fear, for fear is always related to punishment.
But love’s perfection drives the fear of punishment far from our hearts.
Whoever walks constantly afraid of punishment has not reached love’s perfection.
1 John 4:18
To reach that place of being loved, of just being okay in our own skin,
we need to know who our Father is.
Yahweh isn’t a lofty, distant God who lets the chaos play out in hopes that we will all be okay one day.
He is a very involved Father who absolutely adores us!
7 How precious is Your lovingkindness, O God!
Therefore the children of men put their trust
under the shadow of Your wings.
8 They are abundantly satisfied with the fullness of Your house,
And You give them drink from the river of Your pleasures.
17 How precious also are Your thoughts to me, O God!
How great is the sum of them!
18 If I should count them, they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You.
We weren’t meant to do this alone.
Every chore, every errand, ever life-changing decision-
we were meant to do it with our Father.
So this is what the end of my yes road looks like:
At the edge of His river.
This is where I begin to slowly, sometimes painfully, say no to things that pull me from what He has called me to do.
And this is where I joyfully, clumsily, awkwardly begin to say yes to doing everything with Him.
14 “You are the light of the world.
A city that is set on a hill cannot be hidden.
15 Nor do they light a lamp and put it under a basket,
but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house.
16 Let your light so shine before men,
that they may see your good works
and glorify your Father in heaven.
The passion for creating has always been a significant driving force in my life. I could never have a career with a purpose outside of physically making something. This led me into the culinary world, chasing a degree and the title of sous chef. Still never enough, my mind never stopped. My free time was spent writing or baking or designing. The need to create, build, develop is an insatiable drive inside of me.
At first, I saw the endless movement as striving in my own strength, an endless push outside of God’s design for my life.
Until it hit me –
Isn’t it cool that our God is the ultimate Creator?
While man can often overlook or distort the arts, we have a beautiful and patient God who paints the evening skies, molds the earth’s ever-changing seascape. This God breathed His very breath into our clay-sculpted bodies and thought it was good.
When the Lord puts a passion in our hearts, I rarely find that it’s just for us.
Matthew 5 is pretty clear about how Jesus feels about His kids displaying their “good works” for the sake of His glory!
Even King Solomon, the man known for his wisdom, has something to say about what we do with our hands:
If you are uniquely gifted in your work,
you will rise and be promoted.
You won’t be held back –
you’ll stand before kings!
This is Seeds for Sparrows:
Raw Emily and Jesus moments displayed out in the open!
In February 2020 I was sitting in our prayer room, intently focused on the Lord. I felt the story in Luke 5 bubble up in me.
On one occasion, Jesus was preaching to the crowds on the shore of Lake Galilee. There was a vast multitude of people pushing to get close to Jesus to hear the word of God. He noticed two fishing boats at the water’s edge, with the fishermen nearby, rinsing their nets. Jesus climbed into the boat belonging to Simon Peter and asked him, “Let me use your boat. Push it off a short distance away from the shore so I can speak to the crowds.” Jesus sat down and taught the people from the boat. When he had finished, he said to Peter, “Now row out to deep water to cast your nets and you will have a great catch.” “Master,” Peter replied, “we’ve just come back from fishing all night and didn’t catch a thing. But if you insist, we’ll go out again and let down our nets because of your word.” When they pulled up their nets, they were shocked to see a huge catch of fish, so much that their nets were ready to burst!
“Cast the net again.”
Yes, Lord! But… what do You even mean by that?!
Before I could spend time seeking answers, the pandemic hit our nation.
It took me until August for the shock of the shutdown to wear off so that I could come back to this question.
Show me how to build my net!
I immediately felt the name Seeds for Sparrows come out of me like it was launched from a trebuchet!
Still, Emily has to be Emily and ask approximately one million and five questions, beginning with:
But, what does this even mean, Lord?!
After asking Google, I found that sparrows are an incredibly underrated bird. Although seen as common because they’re always just, there, they have an important job to do. Through their foraging for food, they spread precious seeds that propagate plant growth. (animals.mom.com)
So, this blog is my “net” and my “sparrow”.
I’ve tried many other endeavors in the arts and in the working world, but mostly all have been my ideas. But in this instance, His voice was loud and clear.
“Launch out into the deep and let out your nets for a catch.”
Into the deep, I go.
Into His deep.
It’s not going to be entirely professional or politically correct, nor will it always make sense to every reader. Quite frankly, I’m okay with that because that’s me.
This is Seeds for Sparrows.
This is my journey into the depths of knowing Him!
Wife to Christopher, mommy to Elisha and Adelaide, owner of two huskies, two cats, six chickens and approximately a million rabbits. Every aspect of my life is filled with babies, food and prayer. Join me as I search out the heights and depths of this God we call King!